There is a lot of talk in society (and has been for as far back as anyone can remember) about the give and take in a marriage, about who is in charge, who is the stronger sex, who is the helper and who is the helpee, who wears the pants, who is in control and who is the follower, etc. A few decades ago in America it was about women being able to physically do what men can do (remember the TV show The Battle of the Sexes?). Then it moved to jobs (equal pay for equal work, which certifiably sounds fair and right) and all sorts of other areas. Next, men wanted to "have babies" and women wanted to work on backhoes and in quarries, or have babies while they climbed corporate ladders on the heads and backs of men and other women at will, while their babies grew up under the watchful eyes of nannies and the public school system. It is true in some times throughout history that women have HAD to do men's work while wars were fought, etc,. but that is NOT the ideal. The whole thing has shifted so far now that we have the area of same sex marriage. I"m not getting into that, but really, can we not see that we have strayed so far from YHWH's ideal that we have it on its head now!?
Each of us was created with GOD-given talents, bents, inclinations, intuitions, affinities, physical characteristics, etc. - mothers and fathers are NOT inter-changeable. Husbands and wives are NOT inter-changeable. My two daddies and my two mommies are NOT okay. We have different bodies, different hormones, different views, different needs, different outlooks, different wants and desires, different strengths and weaknesses, and different ways of dealing with the world around us FOR A REASON. Different is not bad. Different is ... different -- and it all was given to us by our Creator.
Facts: No marriage is perfect. No partner in a marriage is perfect. The only marriage that will ever be perfect is the one following the Wedding Supper of the Lamb, when our Messiah weds His Bride, His people, for eternity. Until that time, we are fallen people, on a fallen planet, filled with sin and sinners. But, all hope is not lost! We have the living, breathing, working, all-knowing, all-powerful Spirit of YHWH GOD living and working in and through us.
"Looking at them, Yeshua said, “With men this is impossible, but with YHWH God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26
Other stuff:
Why do people always talk about marriage being 50/50, or when marriage isn't "going well" for someone they know they surmise and say something like, "Oh, you have a 60/40 or an 80/20 marriage" or "Poor you, your spouse isn't pulling his/her weight."? Or how about this one: "You deserve better than that! Why don't you leave and find someone who will treat you right?"? What does that even mean? And who is doing the measuring of these arbitrary percentages? Even my 17 year old son understands what is at play in this situation... He says, "The one measuring is probably the person who feels slighted or that they are the ones doing all of the weight-pulling." A 17 year old can understand and see this because he is looking at what the Word says and not so much at what the world around him says. I pray and pray that he will continue to look to His Father's Instructions for life along his way.
If marriage was a 50/50 endeavor then NO ONE would ever be satisfied. Marriage is NOT a 50/50 proposition. It isn't "I'll give you 50 of me and you give me 50% of you and that will be our 100%". That is ludicrous! Think about that a moment. If I only ever give my partner 50% - or even 60 or 70%, I will have short-changed both of us egregiously! What if Yeshua gave us that kind of deal and said "I promise to give you 50% of my saving grace to get you going, but you are just going to have to work out the other 50% on your own."?
Scriptural marriage is meant as a lesson for us. It is symbolic of the relationship YHWH desired to have with mankind, and then later with the Israelites, and what we will eternally have with Him in the new Kingdom. YHWH is always faithful. The story of Hosea and Gomer in the Bible is stirring, inspiring, heart-breaking and a HUGE lesson on the commitment and obligation of what marriage means. It is hard to imagine if Hosea had only given 50% and sat and hoped that his wife would give her 50% to make it 100%. That wasn't YHWH's desire or plan for Hosea and Gomer, or for us.
Marriage was NEVER meant to be a 50/50 deal! Marriage is meant to be a 100/100 promise to love and cherish and honor and support and stand by and stay committed to another 'until death do us part'. If we both give 100%, 100% of the time, or try to, how can it NOT work? YHWH honors that commitment and He will see to it that the marriage is strong. I know that ideal doesn't always happen, even within the marriages of believers, but where does our obligation or right to go back on our promise begin or end if our spouse chooses to re-neg on their promises? Does that right or privilege even exist?
I don't think it does. If one spouse chooses to give anything less than 100%, then the other does not have the right to do the same. The commitment is still the same and each person is responsible for holding up their end, even if the other doesn't. That is not my standard, it is GOD's. In marriage we promise these things with GOD and our family and friends as witnesses to our promise to uphold our word. It is a commitment. A holy covenant. We not only promise our spouse, but we promise everyone present and we promise YHWH. Marriage, legally, is not a slight thing, but it is all the more serious spiritually. In the end, we won't have to answer to our pastor, our Christian marriage counselor, or our precious peers or best friend. In the end, we will only answer to the Originator and Creator of marriage for the effort and commitment with which we pursued and maintained our promises to our spouse, our family, our friends and our LORD.
If one partner gives 100% and the other gives 50%, sure there will be issues, BUT the one giving 100% is still obligated to give that 100% no matter what the other one does or doesn't do. I"m not talking about being a door mat. I'm not talking about physically abusive situations. I'm not talking about life-threatening relationships. I'm not talking about in-your-face-infidelity. I"m talking about the every day marriages of BELIEVERS. I'm talking about picking up our cross and living sacrificially, in His strength and in His name, even though it may be hard and it may not be perfect. I'm talking about keeping your word and thereby honoring YHWH and your spouse.
We say we BELIEVE, so why do we not act upon our beliefs!?
I truly believe that society (ahem, by that I mean the Adversary, the devil, Satan) has messed things up so much that we often don't' realize how screwed up and twisted what we say, believe, preach and do with regard to marriage has become.
Who did the LORD GOD YHWH create first? In the Bible, the Torah, in Bereshit/Genesis 1 and 2, we learn that man was made first, in the image of his Creator and GOD. This man YHWH named Adam, after the earth (adamah) from which He formed him. The Torah says that YHWH saw that it wasn't good for man to be alone.
YWHW said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Bereshit 2:18
So YHWH created and then brought all the living creatures before Adam and Adam named them. But among all these creatures, scripture says no suitable helper was found for Adam.
So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. Bereshit 2:20
So, YHWH made wo-man to be his helpmeet.
So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then YHWH made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said,
“This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man.”
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. Bereshit 2:23-25
Thinking about the words here:
WO - MAN -- she was made "from" man, literally from his rib, his bone. The Torah says that YHWH put Adam in a deep sleep and then took a rib from his side with which to fashion the "wo-man". She was then brought before Adam. He said in effect 'This woman is from me, so I"ll call her "wo man"'. Bereshit 2:23 Adam spells it out for us. Wo = from.
YHWH wanted to create a helper for man, not a helper for woman. YHWH created man and then knew man needed a help-meet, a completer, a soul-mate. YHWH knew this, He had a plan, He knew what he was doing. YWHW did not create woman to lead or teach or control man, in fact, it was exactly the opposite. Do all men lead as they should? No. Should women step in and step on their toes to do it for them? I don't think so. We are called to be THEIR helpers. We don't help them by doing it for them. Does a mom help their child by doing everything for them all the time? NO, the child never learns to do it themselves. they never learn to listen to the voice in their own head that directs them. If women do what men were called to do, created to do, they never then have the opportunity to hear GOD's call on their lives, to listen to and obey His calling on them, because we have stepped in and done it already. We can inadvertently or purposefully rob the men in our lives of their calling!
The adversary would have us believe that women and men are equal in EVERY SINGLE respect. While it is true that YHWH loves and cares for each of us equally, it cannot be overstated or said too emphatically that YHWH DID NOT CREATE MEN AND WOMEN TO BE THE SAME. HE DID NOT CREATE MAN TO HELP THE WOMAN, NOR DID HE CREATE THE WOMAN TO BE THE MAN'S SERVANT, DOORMAT or TEACHER, BUT INSTEAD A HELPER, COMPLETER, A SOUL-MATE, A FRIEND, A PART OF HIM IN A DEEP AND ABIDING WAY THAT ONLY CAN BE UNDERSTOOD WITHIN THE PARAMETERS OF SCRIPTURE. Woman completed man. Not the other way around.
I fully reject the lies and tricks of the adversary who tries to tell me and every other person out there that women are equal to men in every respect and facet. I fully reject the pull for women to be over men in places and positions of authority and rank. I fully reject the lie that says I can do anything a man can do, or that he should or could do anything I can do. I fully reject the lies that say that I am not meeting or living up to my potential if I choose to have and raise children and stay home with them, and love them and my husband. I fully reject the notion and lie that in order to be a success I must work away from home, act like a man, or reject femininity. Women are different from men, but no less important. Men are made in the image of the GOD and KING of the universe. Women are made in man's image as well as the Father's. We are not second class citizens, but YHWH clearly said he made woman FOR THE MAN, not the other way around.
**Side note: I am quite familiar with the stories of the brave and heroic women of the Bible, who saved generations and defeated enemies and foes alike, such as Esther. However, have we overlooked the fact that even Esther had to go to the king, and ultimately the KING of Kings was over her and worked through her? What I have laid out about men and women does not contradict this at all. YHWH had those women where He wanted them, for His purpose and plan, and that is all I need to know because YHWH does not contradict Himself. His ways and purposes are higher than mine and I will not always understand why He does something, but I know I can trust Him What kind of God would He be if He contradicted Himself, lied and/or didn't keep His promises?
I can't let the adversary lie to me and trick me into believing things the Bible does not say. I must keep studying, digging deeply, seeking Truth and wisdom. YHWH God already had a plan in place before he made us and His ways are higher than ours, better than ours -- and if I (we) chose to follow those ways and sh'ma (listen and obey), He promises to bless me (us) in the here and now, as well as in eternity. That does not mean with material possessions and authority, that means with joy -- and that is not the same as happiness.
"The joy of the LORD YHWH is my strength." Nehemiah 8:10
I want to bless my marriage. I want to bless my husband. I want to impart those blessings and lessons on to my children and their wives and children. That is a wonderful legacy and heritage to leave for my family. I want to have blessings myself in the process... I want to choose life. I want to choose blessings, not curses. I will get on my knees and ask the LORD of Lords to show me where I have believed the lies of the adversary and maybe not even known it and ask Him to help me get it turned around and right as needed.
D'varim/Deuteronomy 30:19
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Update:
Writing all of this out earlier today, after having it roll around in my head for several days, I see clearly that it is easy to get caught up in what the adversary wants us to believe. The Bible warns us that he is wily and full of lies and deceit, the father of lies, he is called. We have to be on our guard at all times. The Bible says that he goes about to and fro on the earth seeking those he would devour. That is a violent and unsettling picture, to say the least. He would love nothing more than to destroy every marriage and crush every hope and kill each and every Believer, one at a time, or in droves, it doesn't matter.
In this instance the adversary may want me to usurp the role of my husband and have control or reign over him in one way or another. Remember the curse on Adam and Havah as they were driven from the Garden of Eden? Adam must now till the soil and work it by the sweat of his brow and yet it will yield thorns. Havah, or Eve, will have pain childbirth and her desire will be for her husband. That does not mean she will desire her husband. No! It means she will desire to rule over him against YHWH's plan. That is not a good thing, just like pain in childbirth is not a good thing, and toiling over the ground to produce thistles and thorns is not a good thing.
Or, perhaps more subtly, the adversary may be attempting to twist this from the other direction. It may be that he wants me to think that I can and should take over, have control or reign over my husband, and if I don't he will try to get me to think there is something wrong with me or have my "friends" tell me so! I truly believe this is what is going on in this instance. The "friends" who have afforded me this opportunity to review this topic are strong women, very outspoken, believe they are very much in control and are the pants-wearers in their households, but they also seem to be unsatisfied and unhappy in their relationships and in lives in general. I feel sorry for them, but I also know that past experience says they are not going to listen to my words. Hopefully they will see what I am saying in the way I live my life.
Father, I cannot be or do what You would have me do on my own. I need You living and working through me if I am to even take my next breath. Amen.